


Let Me Fill Your Cracks With Gold

by colormyworldbright



Series: Growing Up and Growing Old [2]
Category: Nothing Much to Do
Genre: Donalduke - Freeform, F/M, Friendship, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Some Swearing, depressed character, road trip of sorts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-04
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-03-21 06:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3681915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colormyworldbright/pseuds/colormyworldbright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I got the name from a conversation with the lovely niuniujiaojiao about these two. (I'm sorry I quit tumblr!)<br/>This is basically an extension of my AU that centers on Hero and John.<br/>**<br/>John Donaldson has run away.<br/>**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 0: And So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

> This goes along with "The Year We Began Growing Up Instead of Just Growing Old," but if you don't want to read that just know that Claudio didn't confront Hero at her birthday party but before then, privately.

Hero is surprised to find the note. Even more surprised when she reads  the contents.

_Dear Hero,_

_I'm sorry. I know you think I have no reason to apologize but I do. I'm the reason that rumor you're pretending doesn't bother you is going around. I told Pedro and Claudio you cheated. I thought that when Pedro sided with Claudio in this big ordeal, people would realize he isn't an all around great guy. Especially when it was you, the kindest sweetest soul in our school, he pointed fingers at. I know it's messed up. And it didn't even work. You weren't supposed to get hurt. No one was supposed to believe them. Pedro was supposed to go along with it. Anyway, I'm sorry my fucked up mind fucked up your life._

_Wishing you the best,_

_John the Bastard_

It filled her with a million different emotions. Anger. Pity. Fear. More Pity. But mostly she's just confused. There are underlined letters. The envelope had a series of numbers. It takes her an while but she figures it out. Find me if you want at Fredrick Park.

She doesn't know why, but John has picked her. And she's mad that he did it to her, but she's convinced from the tweets he's been posting (they all know it's him on those accounts) that he really didn't mean to hurt her. He just really hates Pedro. (How is it that that's the better alternative in her mind?)

She calls his parents as soon as she realizes because that's the Right Thing To Do. They want to find him themselves and it takes everything she has to convince them she has to bf the one to go. Leo almost doesn't let her. It's dangerous. Fredrick's Park is really far off. She's not even 16 yet. So she tells him to tag along too because it shouldn't take more than a few days to do it and she's afraid John's going to do something drastic if he isn't found. 

Before she knows it everyone is tagging along. Everyone but Bea and Ben and Urs (and Claudio but he isn't part or her everyone anymore).

She packs quickly. Enough clothes for at least three days because when you run away from home you don't go somewhere convenient in the city. You go to a park that's way out in the country where the sheep bleat their baaabaabaas. Where you're alone.

Bea comes in and interrupts her, "You know you don't have to do this." It's the millionth time she's said it. "I mean he's a creep and he hurt you and--"

Hero cuts her off, "And nothing. He's in a really dark place and I know we can't make excuses for what he's done but I'm fairly certain he's going to kill himself and I know I'm not responsible for him but this is the right thing to do, Beatrice."

Because even though she can hear the whispers in the halls. Because even though her reputation is tarnished. Because even though she's realized the world doesn't see you the way you are but the way they want you to be. Because even though yes she's bitter and angry and URGH. She still has her ideals. And she still believes in being as good as you can. And she believes in the goodness that is in humanity and goddammit no way is she letting John kill himself.

"You know just because your name is hero doesn't mean you have to be one," Bea says softly as hugs her. "I know."

And she does. Harry Potter might have had the weight of the world on his shoulder but she doesn't. She just has a heavy conscience and a moral compass.


	2. Day 1: We're Going Somewhere But It Feels Like Nowhere All The Same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day traveling. Lots of friendship and MEG, who will personally white out the mood if she has to.

**Hour 1: What am I doing?**

It's awkward in the car. 

Leo's driving. Pedro keeps staring out the window looking all sad. Balthazar's listening to music pretending to be watching the scenery but actually watching Pedro. Meg's texting Ursula. 

Hero's trying to organize the next couple days in her head. 

Day 1: Driving for seven odd hours then stop at a hotel. Share room with Meg. 

Day 2: Driving for five more hours. Find Fredrick Park. Find John. Convince John to come back home somehow. 

Day 3: Get home. Find out what's gone on between Bea and Ben (Because come on something's going to happen)

It seems easy written out like that. 

She knows it isn't going to be. Gosh how is she going to manage this? She knows near nothing about John. She's not persuasive. She doesn't even know why he picked her. She doesn't know what he wants. 

**Hour 2: Yellow Buggy**

The game is silly and childish, but yeah it does seem to lighten the mood. Meg's the most involved. Hero feels bad for Balthy who's the one she's decided to punch. 

"Okay kids, I'm officially queen of Punch Buggy so I decree that no one can look sad or bored," Meg says finally, "Pedro stop looking out the damn window, we're out of the city now; all you're going to see is a bunch of fucking sheep. Balthy, take off the damn headphones, we all know you're not actually listening to anything. Hero, stop looking worried. Leo, turn on the rad-" 

"YELLOW BUGGY," Hero cries, excited. She  turns around and punches Meg right in the middle of her declaration. 

Meg rubs her arm, "Okay that's the spirit, Hero. As I was saying, Leo turn on the radio; we need to get some tunes in here." 

Leo complies and the car fills with assorted pop music and at first its just Meg singing at the top of her lungs but her Megness is so infectious that soon enough everyone is singing along to the new Taylor Swift song that the random pop station is playing out. 

**Hour 3: Bottoms Up**

"No. No. No. No." Meg stomps her foot angrily as the static increases. 

"Sorry Meg," Hero sympathizes, "We're just too far away from the station now." 

Balthazar starts to put his headphones back on. 

"Balthy you put those down or so help me I will punch you even though there isn't a single buggy in sight," Meg, jokingly, seethes. 

He puts down the headphones. 

"Okay then lets play a game," Meg smiles. 

Pedro sighs, "I thought punch buggy was a game." 

"Nah, there aren't enough cars around." Meg says defiantly.

She turns her back to the cooler and grabs four cokes, "This would be a lot more fun with booze but then Baby Hero wouldn't be able to play." 

She forces the drinks into their hands and starts, "Never have I ever cheated someone." 

No one drinks. 

It's kind of awkward because everyone knows where that came from. Robbie. And it's even worse because Claudio and ugh and why Meg.

"I thought so," Meg says after taking a swig, "Robbie was the only person douchy enough to. Ugh. I really wish this was booze." 

She grimaces at the sickly sweet taste. 

"Never have I ever," Hero quickly fills in, "uhmm..denied liking someone." 

It's true and only true for her. The rest drink. 

"Oh god this stuff is awful," Pedro comments, "Where did you get this?" 

Leo shrugs, "It was in the back of the fridge." 

The awful soft drinks are motivation enough to not drink. 

**Hour 4: SUGAR HIGHHHHH**

 

The closest Hero has ever gotten to drunk has been being on a sugar high, and if that's any indication of what kind of drunk she'd be, well, she should avoid alcohol. 

"Never have I ever had a crush onnnnnnn PEDROOOOO" She giggles, knowing exactly what she's insinuating. 

Balthazar drinks, and everyone looks surprised. He could have lied. 

"Never have I ever not thought Balthazar was cute," Pedro admits with a laugh. 

They look at each other. 

"No making out till you're in your own room, you two," Hero calls out uncharacteristically. 

The group stares at her, Pedrazar blushing like mad. 

"You are never allowed near those drinks again." Leo says finally. 

Meg takes away her soda, declaring that Hero's disqualified. 

**Hour 5: Dream A Little Dream of Me**

Hero dreams of everything. Past Present and Future

The awful conversation with Claudio "I don't believe you" 

The bizarre idea of a storm of mutant soda cans attacking them. (Don't ask.) 

The possibility of John not coming back "I just wanted to say goodbye." 

She hopes none of them (had) happen(ed). 

**Hour 6: Wake Up Call**

"Wake Up, Babes," Meg taps her shoulder, "Bea's calling."   
Hero lazily opens her phone, and yawns, "Hello." 

"How are you, Hero?" Bea asks. 

"I'm okay," Hero straightens up, "Had a crazy dream about soda." 

"I heard about the sugar overload the soda caused and I'm not really surprised it's been messing up your dreams," Bea laughs, "Remember that summer when I bet that I could eat more candy than you and you went absolutely insane." 

Hero smiles, "I won because you threw up." 

"Nuh uh, I totally won." Bea insists. 

**Hour 7: Talk to Me**

Meg and Hero talk until they're barely conscious. 

"You know I loved him," Meg stammers, "I mean I thought I did. Gosh I was so stupid." 

"I did too," Hero sighs, "Not Robbie obviously, but Claud. I thought he loved me back." 

Meg puts her had to the pillow, "Boys are idiots."

Hero agrees wholeheartedly. 

"You know I never believed the rumors." Meg dances on the line she isn't awake enough to realize existed, "I kind of wanted to because then I could be mad at someone besides the asshat, but you'd never do something like that." 

Hero nods softly.

"Can you not mention it to Bea?" Hero asks. 

Meg yawns, "Sure, but why?" 

"She always wants to fight my battles for me."

"She loves you." 

"Yeah but if I don't learn to deal with it myself I'll never be able to deal with anything myself." 

"Makes sense," Meg says finally, "I'm here for you, you know."

"I'm here for you too." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No donalduke yet but just you wait. And yeah this is Pedrazar becoming cannon so I guess its in the tag now too. Imagine them having a nice heart to heart too.


	3. Day 2 (hours 1 through 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the anticipation and uneasiness in the last 5 hours before they reach the park.

**Hour 0**

Hero wakes up a little to early. Meg still snores on the other side of the bed. The sun isn't up. Hero gets up anyway. She tries to brush her teeth, dress, and put on makeup as quitely as possible. Then she grabs a complimentary styrofoam cup and pours herself some tea. How odd is it that a cheap motel offers both free wifi and complimentary tea? Perhaps it's just a distraction from the weird smell and nasty shower. Hero doesn't keep track of time, but when she's on her third cuppa Leo knocks and yells at them to hurry up. She tells Leo she'll get Meg, though that's far easier said than done. Still, it turns out that after half and our of poking and priding Meg's not even the last to wake up. Pedro and Balthy are still cuddled in a corner when they all barge in. Somehow they manage to eat a quick breakfast and get out of the building by eight, right on time.

**Hour 1: Sheep!**

"Okay so," Hero feels cheerier today, "instead of punch buggy let's play a Punch, err, Sheepy"

Pedro, who is still half asleep leaning on Balthazar, murmurs "Why would we want to punch sheep."

He wakes up after the third time Meg gets him. Punch Sheepy turns out not to be one of Hero's most brightest ideas.

**Hour 2: Silence**

The boys nod off again. Meg steals Balthy's iPod and jams out. Leo drives.

It's silent.

Hero peers out the window. New Zealand is so beautiful.

She thinks about John. Gosh, John. What happened to him? What does she even know about him? He's Pedro's half-brother. He's from England and his mum died. He likes black and is scared of spiders. He doesn't say much at all.

It's sad how little she knows about him. They've had plenty of classes together since he moved here. Their parents have been friends since way before that. And yet, she barely knows the basics.

**Hour 3: Ursula's Update**

The text from Ursula is a welcome distraction.

Bea and Ben have been forced into spending time alone together. How nice for them! She knows that they're perfect for each other. Her joy and giddiness at the stories Ursula recounts (because of course Urs see's all) borderlines fangirling. Is it odd that when she hears about her cousin's accidental movie date she feels the same emotions she felt when she watched 10 Things I Hate About You?

Bea would probably kill her for even thinking that.

**Hour 4: I Wish**

Hero wishes she brought a book. Or even homework. Or something besides the essentials. She's bored out of her mind.

"If you could have anything in the world what would it be?" There goes Pedro asking his hypothetical questions. He's either really better or distracting himself. She turns around. Though his hands are laced with Balthazar's, his eyes still carry guilt.

Romance can't fix everything. (She wishes the romcoms wouldn't glaze over that Truth of Life. It's rather important and pretending that when a girl finds a boyfriend it's suddenly okay that her dad's a deadbeat and she has anxiety problems is really unrealistic.)

She answers the question. "World Peace. And books." And for everything that happened with the rumors and john running away not to have happened. Pedro sighs, "That's such a Hero thing to say." What makes something Hero-ish? She kind of hates that all she is to people is sweet and shy and selfless. They're great characteristics and all but it's like she's got this facade of perfection that no one wants to look past. And then when that facade gets broken and a new "slutty bitch" one comes up no one wants to look past that too. All she is is what everyone wants to see and that's annoying. She wants to be all of her. The "perfect" and the imperfect.

**Hour 5: Bleh**

And the boredom dissipates and all that's left is this horrible air of uneasiness. Her stomach is in knots. She shouldn't feel like this. He's the one who was wrong. He's the one who's guilty. (At least that what Bea would say.) But somehow she does. Maybe it's her fault a bit, well really all of their faults. If he'd had more friends. More people to show compassion and to care. Maybe he wouldn't have left. Her mind drifts back to the idea of him actually committing suicide and she feels kind of really sick.

Bleh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I guess you'll have to wait till the next chapter for Chuckles ;)


	4. Day 2: Let's Start Finding Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero finds John.

Why would anyone make a park put in the middle of nowhere? The question bothers her. Someone named Fredrick must have really wanted his own park. 

Hero gets out of the car first and starts out into the entrance. The others are following and they decide to split up. 

Hero walks along a path calling for John until she reaches a river. It's gorgeous, calm and blue. An assortment of trees over look it. And on one tree happens to be John. John Donaldson is sitting on a branch looking out into the river. 

Hero joins him. The branch is large enough for two. He doesn't acknowledge her until she's next to him. 

"Erm, hello," He manages.  
She still doesn't know exactly what to say to him, even with all the time she had to plan. "Hello John." 

Silence. 

"I forgive you." She says, after a few minutes of just sitting.  
It doesn't take him a second to respond, "I know. You're a good person."   
She tries, "I'm sure you are too."   
"No." His tone is definite, like he has no doubt what his is saying is fact. He stares at the river as though he's talking to it, instead of the girl next to him. "I hated my brother so much I came up with this sadistic scheme. My mum died when when was ten and the guy who ignored my existence for a whole decade told me to call him dad. Him and his wife had this perfect son who couldn't believe he had to share his perfect life with me. He excelled at everything. I couldn't figure out who I was without my mum, my old friends, my home. I found it so hard to talk about what what I went through that I just bottled it up. I wanted to feel something, so I tried to do anything that might satisfy the feeling of emptiness that plagued me. Nothing worked so I gave into the first into the first idea I had. I hurt people. I fucked things up. I'm not a good person at all." 

"There is no such thing as a bad person. Only good people who've had bad things happen to them," she's paraphrasing a Sirius Black quote she likes. 

There's silence again. 

"John, what do you want?" She finally asks. 

He looks away from the river and into her eyes, "I thought I wanted to die. But when when I got here, I realized I wasn't even brave enough to do that. There are still things I like in the world, but I don't think I deserve them. I don't know what I want." 

He's so sad. It's so sad. 

"John," she speaks clearly and carefully, "You aren't a fuck up. You have problems. Everyone has problems. They don't go away when you runaway from them. They don't ever go away until you try to fix them." 

"What if I can't fix it? What if I can't fix anything?" 

"You have to at least try," she reaches for his hand, "Nothing gets resolved unless you try. John, there are people who care about you. Staying away from them only hurts them. Running away and planning suicide doesn't just hurt you: it hurts us." 

"I'm sorry." His response is soaked with sincerity. 

"Then come on." She hops down from the tree. 

He's hesitant. 

"Please John. Let's go home." 

Tentatively, he follows her back to the car. 

After their dramatic discussion, Hero talks about the weather. It's a beautiful day. She talks about the birds with their songs. She talks about the flowers. Her calming, lovely voice fills his thoughts. 

She texts everyone to come back to the car. 

They don't go immediately. John and Pedro have to talk alone at least for a little while. The go off by a park bench. 

The fifteen minutes they spend apologizing is just the tip of the iceberg of conversation to come. Just enough the beginning of finding their okay.

***  
Meg switches from the back seat to the front. Balthazar and Hero squeeze into the middle flanks by Pedro and John respectively. 

It's going to be a long drive home. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't given up on this yet.


	5. Day 2: The Road Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't really feel like 11 hours to Hero.

The tension between John and Pedro is still there. It's undeniable. They've got lots of problems to get sorted out. 

But they can't sort them out here in the car, Hero knows that for a fact. They need professionals to help, they need the option to walk away if the discussion is too much. 

They seem to know this as well. They avoid each other the entire way home, the whole eleven hours. 

The first five are spent looking out into the countryside and thinking thoughts and murmuring to each other, John to Hero and Pedro to Balth. 

(Hero has no idea what Pedrazar is talking about, but her and John are discussing books, movies, and tv shows. Harry Potter takes up a full two hours of this time.) 

Then John falls asleep. And Hero falls asleep. And Balth and Pedro fall asleep. And Meg grabs energy drinks for herself and Leo. 

Pedro woken up by a very, very tired Leo. He's the only one of them that has a license and is well reseted. They've stopped by an old diner to switch seats again. 

Meg decides she wants to take a nap in the trunk. Nobody is sure if this is legal or not, but there's room back there and Meg is dead set on it. 

Balth decides to join Pedro in the front of the car. 

John and Hero stay in the same spots, but they have some room now to spread out. 

Everyone is much more comfortable. 

***

John gets Snape in a way Hero never did. John read the Perks of Being A Wallflower three times. John used to watch Doctor Who. 

John writes. He's written short stories and poetry. He wants to be an author. He wants to write a novel.

He's only ever admitted that to the journal he keeps. 

Cora likes him for some reason. She thinks he doesn't know but he does. 

He knows a lot of things. 

He says Claudio was a jerk anyway.

They bond over art. He visited the Louvre when he was nine with his mom. If she had money they would have traveled all the time. She was a painter with a degree, but what money they had came from her day job: teaching. She taught art history at a boarding school. If she'd lived, he probably would have gone there. 

She died in a car crash. 

*** 

It's dark when they get home. 

Pedro and John get dropped off first. Then Meg. Then Balth. 

Then it's just the Dukes. 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortest chapter ever. I know. I'm sorry. My excuse is that for Hero this is all kind of a blur.


	6. Keeping Warm in the Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hero and John's relationship goes from acquaintances to friends to more than friends.

She sees him around school. 

She's heard from Bea that both the Donaldson's are in therapy. It's focused on John. He's testing out antidepressants. 

He doesn't talk to her for weeks. She's not sure if she was wrong to expect him to. She thought, well, she thought he'd want her to be there for him. 

He's swamped with everything though. He's missed school. Not just the days he'd run away, but almost two weeks of skipping the month before. Maybe that's why he hasn't approached her. 

He seems happier. Maybe. She can't really tell from the sidelines. 

***

He asks her to be his partner on the history project and suddenly they're seeing a lot of each other. 

One day, after a therapy session, he comes over to her house. 

"I need to tell you something," He admits. 

She lets him in and pours him a cup of Earl Grey. His favorite. 

"I had a crush on you." 

This isn't what she expected. 

"I mean I've had a crush on you for years." 

Not at all what she expected. 

"And I know we're friends and you probably don't like me like that, but Katherine's been encouraging me to be more open about my feelings."

She nods, "That's good." 

She pauses, "I don't think I like you like that." 

She cares about him. A lot. But romance hasn't entered her head since she broke up with Claudio. 

***

Nothing changes in their dynamic. (It takes work on both their sides, but nothing changes.)

***

They ace the semester project. 

***

Bea leaves for the winter. She's off to London with Ben. It's not her official gap year trip, she has to save for that, but it seems like a nice way to spend July. She skypes Hero every night. 

Pedro moved to Wellington as soon as school ended with Balthazar. They're going to uni there in the fall and they wanted to find a flat. Balth gives her one of his ukes and sends her video tutorials. 

Ursula's on vacation with her family. They talk as often as they can manage. 

Everyone's left but John. 

So she's a this house more often than not. 

***

One particularly snowy day leaves her stranded at the Donaldson residence. And maybe it's the movie they're watching. Or maybe it's the cuddling for warmth. Whatever it is, the warm feeling she used to get around Claude is back. 

She likes him. 

***

He notices the change in her demeanor immediately. Of course he does. He guesses who she could like. Matt? Evan? ...Tony? 

He guesses wrong so much he asks for a hint. 

"He's tall," She says slowly, "And English."

He's silent for a few beats. 

"Uh," He tries to figure out how to put it, "I think Bea has dibs on Ben." 

She bursts out laughing, "Not him you idiot! You!" 

"Me?" He looks dumbfounded. "What could you possibly see in me?" 

He's meds have helped, the therapy has helped, working on his novel has helped, but his self esteem is still remarkably low. 

"You're clever and funny," She starts staring at her shoes. Her face is flushed pink, "And creative and interesting. And nice and really really _honest_." 

She looks up. His eyes are focused on her. She decides to add, in a whisper, "You have lovely eyes." 

He responds, "You too." 

Their first kiss is short and sweet and they're both blushing like mad. 

 

 

 


	7. Epilogue of Sorts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End :)

 They're not the Sun and the Moon. They aren't Light and Dark. She isn't the hopeful girl trying to fix the broken boy. She doesn't "heal him with her love" or something equally as cheesy. What "fixes" John Donaldson is communication, therapy, and writing. (Okay, and Hero. She does help.) She's still girly. He still wears black. She's still full of smiles. He's still sarcastic. He calls her Sunshine because she can brighten anyone's day. But he doesn't hurt her. He's not a bad influence.

He gets her hooked on horror movies. She makes him listen to Taylor Swift. She steals his clothing so much at least a quarter of her closet is devoted to black. Her own mini collection of oversized sweatshirts, sweaters, and t-shirts.

They don't go out a ton. All their time is spent at each other's home. John eats dinner with the Dukes more often than with his own family. Mum and Mumma love John. Bea and Leo not so much. They both give him the talk. She's not sure which one was worse. Somehow he survives. 

They apply to the same uni in Auckland. John's planning on majoring in Creative Writing, Hero in Art History. 

They decide to move in together. 

He proposes to her after four years of cramming for exams together, four years of groceries at 2am, four years of volunteering on Sundays, four years of working on a children's novel.

They last longer than anyone would have bet. Till the end. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it. Honestly I don't think there could have been more to say.


End file.
